Phil Sim

Web, media, PR and… footy

Not Blogging (otherwise known as nogging)

Stuart Kennedy is the technology editor of The Australian, a national here newspaper down under. I thought I'd link to Stuart's mirthful recent column Nogging to say, and we meme it if for no other reason than just to make his nog part of the "great online conversation". It's cool, hey?

Filed under: Blogs, Piss take

Thankyou for coming to Squash 5

The Naked Blogging Squash party is now officially over. Wow, what a night! You might have noticed my lack of blogging in recent days. Seriously, it’s taken me that long to get over what has to go down as the best Web 2.0 party on record!

Yes, I know that we didn’t get like 500 Web 2.0 celebrities along to the Squash 5 gig, like TechCrunch did, but how many times do I have to tell people, especially all the women I’ve ever dated, that size simply doesn’t matter. Read the rest of this entry »

Filed under: Piss take

Blogs to Riches – As it should have read

So blogging makes the cover of New York magazine. Wow, hey! I’d be impressed except I’m from Australia and so don’t get if New York magazine is a big deal or not. But it’s all over memeorandum so I guess it must be. From my perspective the big problem with the story is it’s not about me. I’m not on the cover. I’m not even quoted for God sake.

Anyway I thought I’d rectify that, with Blogs to Riches as it should have been told…

Blogs to Ditches

The Haves and Have-Nots of the Blogging Boom.

Two months ago, Phil Sim was a dot com wannabe in Australia, who was, as he confesses, “totally bored.” So he did what any wannabe dot com wannabe/journalist would do these days: He started a blog. Sim started scouring the Web for people who seemed to be making a lot more money than he way and then posted stories about how crap they were to his Website, Squash. (Sample Headline: Web 2.0 is a load of poo). “My dog got a chuckle out of it, but it didn’t get really big or anything-maybe a few visitors a day,” he said.

Then one day Sim took a good look at the Scobleizer, a geek site owned by Microsoft evangelist Robert Scoble. Scoble had pioneered a distinctive blogging style which comprised of bagging out his employee and praising his competitors and earned a large following in the Web 2.0 world. What really go Sim’s attention, though, was Scoble’s banner. According to the WordPress Gods, Scoble was so important that he got his own WordPress.com template when everybody else had to make do with a standard set of sucky designs.

Not bad, considering that Scoble was not nearly as good looking as Sim.

“And I was like, I can do that,” he says, laughing.

So in February, 2006, Sim packed up his life and parked it down in front of his shitty, old no-name laptop. He then began taking the piss out of everything Web 2.0. He’d start each day whenever he woke up, trolling the Web for over-hyped crap. (“You gotta have something posted before people drop dead,” he explain, “because my audience is people who don’t want to drop dead.”) By the end of the month, Sim’s website was steaming along nicely. He had almost everything Scoble had: Except a cool job at one of the world’s most powerful companies, a book deal, speaking engagments, fame, invitations to Mike Arrington parties, etc, etc)

The other thing he still didn’t have was a custom WordPress theme. Even with a WordPress.com #2 rating, that disgustingly young WordPress kid had yet to drop Sim an email to ask him if he wanted to use his own theme. Then he stood up and hit a glass ceiling and it like hurt like crazy.

By all appearances, the blog boom is the most democratized revolution in media ever. Starting a blog is ridiculously cheap; indeed, blogging software and hosting can be had for free online. But you still can’t get your own theme like Scobe on WordPress.com. It doesn’t matter if your a 21 year-old Brit who links to the episodes of the IT crowd or a fan of some Puerto Rican rapper no-one has ever heard of, there’s always that theme issue separating you from a really successful blogger. I can get my own theme? No you friggin can’t…

Clive baby, this shit is gold. Why didn’t you call?

Filed under: Blogs, Piss take

Who’s a hypocrite now????

Can you spell the word “hypocrite” boys and girls? Don’t you love all these try-hard B-Listers like Squash, Matthew Ingram, Shelly Power, Scott Karp, Kent Newsome, Seth Finklestein and so on who can’t stop bleating about how nasty the A-List is. Shame on those big, old ‘net celebrities who only link to each other and won’t let any of these wannabes play in their reindeer games.

Take this Squash fool. Has to be the most selfish blogger in the entire blogosphere. Have a look at his most recent set of posts. Who does he link to? If he does actually bother to spare a link it’s for the likes of Scoble, Doc, Ingram, Karp, Arrington, etc. He’s hardly doing his part to open up the blogosphere to new voices, is he? Yet when he’s not taking cheap pot shots at the establishment he sits back and whines about the “closed blogosphere” and what not. What a total, utter toss pot. And by the way, he doesn’t know how to use punctuation either. Not so easy to pretend you can write, when you don’t have a sub-editor to fix up your crap, is it, journo-boy?

Browse your way down tech.memeorandum and it’s full of the wannabes pretending like they’re one of the big boys. Half of them have only been blogging for a matter of months and already they feel like it’s their divine right to have the A-Listers perform some really top-class felatio on them. Mind the teeth, please.

You can spot one of the Wannabe’s a mile away. Check out their About page and chances are they can’t help but grand-stand about how they’re really a big shot journalist, writer, analyst, media or dot com executive. In other words they’re used to having a big audience handed to them on a platter and now that they have to actually go out and earn a following, they can’t cop it.

Wannabe’s whinge about being outside of the establishment but they consistently link to it, hoping to pick up a couple of referral links to push their daily traffic into triple figures. You can also find them hanging out in the comments pages trying to trawl up some interest in their musings. They pretend to be critical of the A-List but then will also add “Not that this is meant to be critical”, just in case they actually offend some A-List sensibilities. Never know when you’re going want to a favour from one of those, boys.

They write loooooooonnnnnng analytical posts, because there are under the delusion that the more you write, the more interesting it is. Then they can’t work out why they haven’t got any comments or why people “just can’t understand what they’re really trying to say”. It’s because nobody can be bothered reading past the fourth par, you dick. You’d probably be a lot more interesting if you stopped spending your whole day blogging and actually went out and got a life.

tech.memeorandum used to be a really good read before they let the riff raff in. Please Gabe, shut the doors. Let’s just import Dave Winer’s OPML file and lock that in. God, if we wanted to read the ramblings of pseudo experts, we’d still be buying mainstream media.

Oh and just for good measure: Here’s a suggestion for the B-Listers. Link to one C-Lister every day, link to a D-Lister once a fortnight and just for charity’s sake, please link to an E-Lister once a year. Probably around Christmas time would be nice. They say the suicide rate of E-Listers around Christmas time is at its peak. The unfortunate reality is that Squash is fast running out of things to take the piss out of, so we really need to crack this blogosphere thing all the way open.

Filed under: Blogs, Piss take

Who’s a Google fanboy then?

Well about half of you reckon I’m a Google kiss arse and the other half, agree with me and think GMail rocks and would make a cool app to live in.

I want to make one thing perfectly clear. Although, you may have seen pictures that would suggest the contrary, Squash has never once kissed Larry Page’s bum. Larry simply said to us, “Hey Squash, bro, is that a stain on my trousers around my left butt cheek” and Squash, being the gentleman that we are, was simply trying to get to the bottom of Larry’s problem (ho ha he, pun so intended). Unfortunately, the paparrazi just happened to be there, but hey, you’ve got to deal with this shit when you’re a big megastar #3 WordPress blogger. Yee-haw.
Anyway, it seems to me that’s its getting cooler by the day, to diss all over Google. Squash is all up for dissing up and down the big G because we’re Australian (despite the fact that our use of the word ‘diss’ would suggest otherwise) and it’s part of our national character to cut down every tall poppy we can get our hands on. But also because the last couple of time’s we did diss all over Google (re Google News and Picassa it got us lots and lots of links and traffic).

But then we found out, being nice works even better. We got to #2 on Digg with our GMail: One app to rule them all post and our traffic subsequently went nuts. So from now on, no more cynical, jaded Squash. From this point on in, we’re a fanboy of everything. 30 Boxes. Best Calendar Ever. Web 2.0. Like Wow! The blogosphere is beautiful. RSS will break through. Puke. Vomit. Hurl.

Hey, we tried!

Filed under: Piss take, Self-indulgent wanking

Did Bill fix spam?

Remember when Bill Gates said that the spam problem would be solved in two years. Well, according to the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, the two years is up.

Quite clearly there is still spam, however Microsoft still reckons Bill was right because effective filtering methods have for the most part limited the effect that spam has on most people’s inboxes.

We must admit we’ve not been electronically spruiked with regard to any penis-enlargement devices for quite some time, which doesn’t worry us because clearly someone like Squash has no need for such devices. But we do worry about others. If Bill has really killed spam, where does one go to find out the latest prices on Viagra or find out how to meet hot chicks who want to %$%@ you RIGHT NOW!!!!

If you miss your daily dose of spam, then mail Bill Gates today. After all, he won’t mind receiving a few thousand mails in his inbox tomorrow morning, because spam is dead. Yee-haw!

Filed under: Piss take

Squash is all wanking, poo, Oprah fish smells

They say you can tell a lot about a blog, by the search terms that people use to find it (well, they probably don’t but they should).

Quite clearly then, Squash, is one classy piece of literature.

In our top search terms over the past two days, ‘wanking’ continues to reign supreme but has been challenged by ‘stick death.com’ (don’t ask me!). Making a new entrance into our top search terms today was “poo web site where you can see all diffe..” and yesterday we had “sims ‘throwing up’ screenshot”.

My personal favourite was ‘oprah fish smells’ and then just to prove my readers are a highly literate lot ‘litlle leg’ got a guernsey too.

Filed under: Piss take, Self-indulgent wanking

More Web 2.0 Wanking

From the Bubblegeneration Strategy Lab:

On ‘Media 2.0′:

“New sources of value are laying the groundwork for an entirely new media value chain; one which leverages micromedia to deliver personalized, post-branded attentionstreams of chunked and microchunked disposable and essential media to communities of connected yet ever more hyperpolarized consumers.”

Umair Haque goes on to tell us that micromedia (read blogs) are “usually microchunked” and therefore are “plastic” and also “liquid”. I must admit I’d never considered Squash as a liquid, plastic microchunk, but come to think of it…

Filed under: Blogs, Piss take, Web 2.0

Google tipped to hit a million

** TRANSCRIPT **

Welcome to the Web 2.0 Wocks podcast. I’m Elmer FUD and if you’ve been keeping your eye on tech news you may have noticed the extreme valuations some analysts have been putting on Google of late. Today we speak to yet another “relatively obsure” Wall Street analyst Mr. Squash, who has upped the ante on how high people think Google’s stock might climb. Mr. Squash, you think Google will keep going North.

Mr. Squash: Absolutely, I’m tipping one million dollars within the next six months.

FUD: That’s insane. What couple possibly makes you say that?

Mr. Squash: I’ve not had a lot of press lately. Even the blogosphere keeps ignoring me. I was about to tip $1000, but then some yokel came along and high-balled me at $2000. I won’t make that mistake again.

FUD: So you’re prediction isn’t based on any sound financial metrics

Mr. Squash: Oh absolutely. I’ve taken the current valuation and adjusted it based on the strength of Google’s CES announcements.

FUD: You mean Google Video?

Mr. Squash: No, Google Pack. We believe it’s game-changing.

FUD: How’s that?

Mr. Squash: Well, I can’t really go into specifics due to commercial-in-confidence but Google chose to announce it at its CES Keynote so it must be HUGE right? Also, I’ve had “discussions” with a guy who used to be a famous tech columnist and he’s backed up our confidence in Google Pack, as a paradigm-changing initiative.

FUD: But Isn’t Google Pack just a bunch of freeware cobbled together in a lame attempt to pretend that Microsoft doesn’t have monopoly control over the Internet.

Mr. Squash: You might call it lame, we call it game-changing.

FUD: Why is that?

Mr. Squash: It gets attention.

FUD: Thank you Mr. Squash for your time.

Mr. Squash. Anytime. And I mean anytime. Day or night. I can pretty much make comment on any issue, big or small, even if my firms have absolutely no idea what we’re talking about. We have a lot of experience in doing exactly that, you know.

Squash could not afford to pay its hosting fees, so you can’t click here to listen to this fictitious podcast.

Filed under: Piss take

How dare anyone claim that Web 2.0 is wanky

To quote Steve Gillmor in a recent Gillmore Gang podcast, trying to explain something or other related to his concept of GestureBank: “An environment where the user is in control of the conduit of gestures to the cloud, rather than the cloud essentially polling through search”.

Thanks Steve, it all suddenly becomes so clear.

Filed under: Piss take, Web 2.0

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